The Universal Exposition of 2010

So that's what all the fuss has been about.

All those months after seemingly endless months of blue toothpaste with legs shaped critters greeting me, no matter where my unfortunate eyes would rest. Sure, they'd tell you the Expo mascot, Haibao, is the shape of the Chinese character for 'people' but to me, if persistent in your face annoyance had a shape this would be it.

Of course it all started small – the odd statue on a street corner here and a poster there. But just like the smack habit China's hosting of grand spectaculars has become, it just spiralled out of control. As the numbers on the specially designed Expo reminder clocks counted down to the event opening, there were Haibaos sprouting up as fast as the black death... and almost as much fun.

He'd be on all forms of advertisements that would look down on you from building sized LCD screens and even on the barge that would chug along the Huangpu river, dancing his crazy toothpaste dance and telling us the Expo was on its way.

He starred in his own TV series and been all over any merchandise you could possible imagine. And that said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with adult sized Haibao briefs featuring the little blue freak urging you to come and play. Nothing at all.

Of course, as it's customary to browbeat the local savagery with appropriate etiquette rules it was up to professor Haibao to instruct us all on the dos and don'ts of rushing the traffic light, spitting in public and smuggling explosives on the underground. I don't know about you but I tend to have a real problem anytime my Colgate blue gel lectures me, especially when it comes to explosives.

So just like that we had swapped one cult of personality for another. I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later as the slow distancing and dismantling of the Great Helmsman's image has reduced him to a kitschy tourist souvenir. He had to be replaced by something and it appears after the casting session was concluded Barbie and Colonel Sanders were pipped at the post by this Gumby knock-off.

Well, at least in its visual plagiarism he does represent what a lot of modern China's ideas are all about. Maybe this was the real point this host nation was trying to make as even the event's theme song was embroiled in a copycat scandal, sounding way too close to a 1990's Japanese pop song for some people's liking. Geez! There's just no pleasing some people.

By the time Expo finally rode into town Mr. H was pretty much absorbed into the crazy Shanghai environment like the carbon monoxide coated air gets absorbed into our healthy grey coloured skin.

However, just when you thought it was done and he couldn't possibly violate your senses any further he literally became part of the landscape, popping up as over-sized topiary wherever topiary could, or even couldn't, be placed.

And just like all good horror movie moments he'd multiply. They'd be an entire troop (or whatever collective noun you wish to use here, perhaps 'murder' would be the most appropriate) dancing and playing musical instruments as they'd welcome and frighten people in equal measure. I'm also pretty sure their goggly eyes would follow you. Maybe to ensure you actually go to the Expo and celebrate the better life this better city is supposed to facilitate. Apparently breathable air isn't part of the better city deal.

The actual opening ceremony wasn't the beginning for most of us, it really signalled the turning into the home stretch after a weary countdown that seemed to start back in Mao's day. It also came with its own inevitable rumour rush of Olympic style craziness. There was a growing apprehension as the event drew near. Maybe the foreigners would be kicked out again due to all sorts of visa regulatory shenanigans and unlike the Olympics, this was a lot longer than a two week wait for the smoke to clear.

The surest sign of an impending international event was that DVD stores went undercover by building secret rooms to house their stock, while the girlie hostess bars on a little seedy strip were closed down. However these didn't hold a candle to the best rumour of doom.

Apparently over the six month course of the Expo all foreigners had to observe a curfew. At the magical time of 11pm we had to scuttle off back to our homes and withdraw for the evening. If by some chance we needed to be out we had to seek permission from our local police station. And if by some chancier chance we were to stay the night anywhere that wasn't our place of residence we had to obtain the necessary paperwork from that locations local fuzz. One happy side effect was that it meant I was going to get home from work a little earlier.

Sure, it had the smell of the paranoid and authoritarian all over it but it seemed so unrealistic an option that even us veterans of the the good old Olympic crackdown of 08 found it hard to believe.

And just as all good things must come to an end, so too did the trillion day countdown to Expo and it finally opened. Of course, in typical Chinese fashion it did so with a bang. Literally. A hundred, thousand fireworks took to the sky and thanks to the opening ceremony rehearsal we were able to experience the sound of a city bombed to oblivion twice.

The office isn't close enough to the Expo site to think it could have much of an effect but obviously I was underestimating the firepower those pesky pyrotechnicians were packing.

At first the low rumble sounded as though a huge storm had dropped out of the sky. However that soon gave way to the suspicion that Armageddon was upon us as the sky thundered more than any sky should. It was only due to my much better informed co-workers letting me know the what's what that I didn't activate my Armageddon looting plan. Shame, as it really is a great plan.

Then it was on for young and old; roll up, roll up and see the world.

And that's what they did. They arrived early and as soon as the doors were opened, bolted to the most popular pavilions faster than you could say... I don't know, something really short. In true Chinese brand loving tradition the popular countries are the Louis Vuitton, Prada and Gucci of the geopolitical world – the US, UK and other top shelf locations.

So the true Expo experience would begin: the good old standing in queue. But not any queue mind you, more like the standing so close to others in queue you can feel buttocks brush on your thigh type the Chinese prefer. Either way, still pretty much unheard of for many here but as the Expo is all about bringing the world to Shanghai then it's only fair some of its customs be experienced as well. Six hour waits are common and 10 hours have even been heard of.

This was for the Saudi Arabian pavilion and their 4D Imax screen depicting life in the kingdom. I don't know, it sounds like a long time to wait for pictures of sand. Oddly enough the North Koreans don't seem to have that problem as they extol the virtues living in the happiest place on earth. I always thought that was Disneyland's line but then again I do tend to get those places confused.

Video sites were awash with locals sprinting to their favourite locations as soon as the site opened in the morning, in order to be as high up the queues as possible. Then came the stories of motorists causing traffic chaos on the bridge overlooking the site as they stopped to photograph or simply gawk. Some didn't even bother to stop as, let's face it, you can always photograph, drive and text at the same time. Yep, Expo was here.

It was inevitable that my time to step foot into the funhouse would finally come. And for that I should thank New Zealand. Obviously my country has no interest in me but our little Polynesian Canada came good with an invite via a film production company. Evening cocktails seemed like a sophisticated way to live the Expo experience so it was off to the show and become one of the half a mil daily attendance figure.

On seeing the partitions at the specially constructed subway station I saw how those numbers were to be handled. Row after row of metal barriers allowed the hordes to be arranged in an ordered manner to file past the metal detector. It was like an airport customs hall expecting the entire Chinese population to drop by. However, at 6pm it simply looked like an oversized cattle sorting yard after the day's market activity.

Effectively this was the Expo's entrance as the next stop would deliver visitors somewhere between the European and Asian zones – think Turkmenistan or something like that.

Since it opened, the Expo had always appeared to be a daytime event where not even shiny light displays could persuade visitors to stay on. Maybe all that standing in line takes a toll after awhile or the understandable fear of vampires, but whatever it was it did make for a more desolate experience.

It was kind of like a huge market with countries spruiking their wares through buskers and food stalls. Actually, it was more like the Melbourne Agricultural Show – without the country ladies competing for the baking honours of the best sponge cake. Admittedly I only took in the sites of the Asia/Oceania Zone so didn't get a complete overview. Of course, possessing a lack of knowledge has never stopped me from commenting before, so why start now?

Even here there were street peddlers selling fake junk laid out on small blankets; a truly Chinese Expo after all. Not to say they were making up for the lack of souvenir shops as there were at least a million of those in the one zone I confined myself to.

The New Zealand pavilion was all a jumble of images displaying a day in the life of its citizens and for their audience – the vast majority of the Chinese population who'll never venture there – that may have been interesting enough. It looked a little like they had reprinted images from an old Encyclopaedia Britannica volume and displayed them on screens.

But all was forgiven when I made my way to the roof and wandered through the artificial greenery 'planted' there. All the trees and plants were props made specifically for the site but it was difficult to tell as it all looked completely authentic. It seemed I wasn't the only one taken in by it as the pavilion guide told me there had been a number of incidences of Chinese visitors attempting to climb the largest tree and cut off a few of its buds. Sure, I'm no gardener but I don't know how well wire and rubber would have grown.

Following the cocktail party it was off to the nearby Australian pavilion before closing time. If you ignored the cafeteria vibe of the lobby and entered into the display area, it all started off well enough. There was a degree of interaction and artistry in the didgeridoo installation but as I ascended the platform to be more of the Australian story, I had the distinct feeling it was really heading downhill.

European settlement was breezed over with a couple of comedic dioramary sculptural pieces (actually, I'd shy away from the word 'sculptural' as that would imply artistry). And then came the facts, all two of them, in rather fancy displays to well, display them in. Apparently there's not a great deal we can be bothered telling the world.

Or we wanted to save it for the whizz-bang finale in the little round theatrette where visitors end their journey. And did we just. The centre convex screens rose and fell in sequence featuring an animation of three children playing and talking absolute rubbish to each other. Oh you know, the old 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' routine all kids love to discuss when perched on a giant head lodged in the sand.

Then to prove the point Australia was the place animated children could be whatever their little cartoon hearts desired, a film sequence displayed the sites of the country. The juxtaposition of imagery was interesting with picturesque natural vistas followed by the mother of all mining holes. All they really needed was a before and after sign.

However eliciting laughs didn't seem to be the aim of this little film, they were more likely going for tedium. Perhaps sprinkled with a bit of horror – as that would explain the music. The film sequence was accompanied by an epilepsy inducing light sequence and music lifted from The Omen films.

It was magic. And while I stood there, mouth agape and more than a little fearful the show was over. A little late for my liking as I had already been eyeing off the emergency exits for the last five minutes. As if this didn't constitute an emergency.

Yes, I know I wasn't the target audience but it had me considering handing in my passport just the same. The French brought their art to the Expo; the Spanish, a Michelin star chef and we had our trauma film.

And so Expo is upon us and despite my visit, would deserve another look in. I mean, there's the rest of the world to be disappointed by and after all that Haibao brainwashing for two years I still feel compelled to see what all the fuss is about.