Not so long ago I thought I had seen Yao Ming. Okay, perhaps it wasn't him as he was only half the size – you know, 6' 8" or something. And as I laid eyes on him I remembered the conspiracy theory concerning the government dropping the one child ban for his parents so they can create multiple Yao Mings.
The plan was to have an entire team out there, populating basketball courts around the world and beating all comers for the glory of the motherland. But it wasn't to be.
Of course, this guy could have been a failed early attempt before they shut the entire program down and moved on to the Jet Li kung fu army program instead. But it soon didn't concern me as my attention quickly wondered from the Yao Ming mini-me failed experiment dude to his dog – and that's where my attention stayed. You see, it was fully clothed.
As you no doubt already know I'm no heathen, so of course I have seen dogs clothed before. A duffle coat here, a cape there but no, this was something special. This was a dog wearing pants... oh, and shoes. Shoes people, shoes. Actually, they looked like trainers as what else would Yao Ming's half developed clone brother have on his dog's feet?
As you are no doubt wandering, the pants were only half pants with strategic spaces cut out where they should be when nature calls. I'd imagine they'd be rather drafty but that could be just me. It looked like a jumpsuit of some variety but I couldn't be sure as I really couldn't take my eyes off those trainers.
This appears to be the latest fad in the Paris of the east. Since my first encounter I've spied a number of these little getups and always with the same result of bemusement on my face. Of course, as my acting skills are a little sub-par I'm sure the look would have verged more on the horrified as I eyeball these little freaks of nature. I'm yet to see uniforms or dog cosplay but it's really only a matter of time before there are little dog butterflies, nurses or warriors roaming the streets.
The closest I have come to that is a farmer dog, although being a small, fluffy white creature I suspected this wasn't a natural look. I might have bought a farmer border collie – perhaps if I was drunk enough – but this looked like a city slicker going country and western.
Either way, a mandatory for the truly serous is the addition of shoes. A good idea given the types of little surprises your feet are likely to encounter on the streets of Shanghai. Although that said, in an effort to rapidly advance into a sophisticated society, public displays of spitting are down – although thankfully not public displays of pouting by Shanghainese girls.
Regardless, there's still a layer of grime that descends from construction craters and mixed with the odd bit of food, drink and I don't know waste, makes for a delicious cocktail you really wouldn't want on your bare feet. Not to say it's in actual fact a cesspool of disgust, it's just a scenario a germaphobe such as myself shouldn't ponder for too long.
So in an effort to prevent their fuzzy child (as let's face it, this is really just the logical evolution of the one-child policy) from bringing in who-knows-what, or subjecting them to a humiliating wipe of the feet when they return home, the potentially more humiliating dog shoes it is. Or perhaps at home they slip into something more comfy such as a pair of tiny slippers.
So what type of dog would allow such a thing to compromise its dignity I hear you ask? It's always the small ones, the ones who don't possess a great deal of dignity in the first place. Basically, something white and fluffy usually does the trick. And without fail, the little critters always cast a look my way and you know, pomeranian or not, there's embarrassment in their eyes. They know they're looking stupid and if they had larger fangs the person responsible was going to pay.
The incidences of these run-ins have increased as we creep closer to Shanghai's answer to Beijing Olympics, the 2010 World Expo – so of course I'm starting to smell a cover up.
You see, this entire dog in jump-suit deal is merely intended to keep eyes off the real menace: the traffic clogging the roads. And clogged roads are not good when you are wanting to play host to a World Expo – it's the world after all. So in its wisdom the government has sent out their little army of costumed mutts to bedazzle and confuse.
And in order to maintain that interest they like to mix things up a little. The latest look for the summer months was the appearance of shaved dogs. Basically, it means that these little creatures have gone from absolute nakedness to outfits in the matter of months. Interestingly they seem more embarrassed by the latter option.
I suppose the only thing left is to spray Expo logos on their naked bellies (much like I saw some patriotic Beijingers get up to in the lead up to the Olympics) then I'll be happy. But I'll only really be impressed if they make sure their dogs are still wearing shoes, as you just can't get better than the naked with shoes combo.
